8 Things Adult Children Consider When Cutting Ties Or Reconciling

Estrangement is most accurately defined as a continuum of distancing, with the most extreme level being a total termination of a relationship. Estrangement in families refers to voluntarily or involuntarily distancing oneself from one or more family members or loved ones, usually due to significant conflicts or issues within the relationship.

How do our adult children decide what our role will be in their life?

In cases other than those involving abuse or addiction, adult children who pull away from their parents and other family members often point to a lack of respectful communication and miscommunication as the underlying or last-straw problem. While every estrangement is unique and influenced by individual circumstances, some general themes exist. These themes appear regularly in the resources available to our adult children as they consider whether or how severely to estrange a loved one.

I've reviewed research studies, books, articles, and other resources for the past four years to understand these themes better. I talked with parents and adult children struggling in relationships, family systems therapists and estrangement experts. I also studied support resources for adult children seeking solutions to resolve their unraveling parental relationship – including estrangement. In short, I sought out any resource that focused on or related to the continuum of estrangement – and written for an audience of adult children.

What follows is a composite of what I discovered. Each numbered item below reflects a theme of what our adult children are encouraged to consider - both before leaving and before reconciling:

Self-preservation: Prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Recognize that estrangement is often a result of significant distress within the relationship, and it may be necessary to protect yourself from further harm or abuse. Set boundaries to ensure your safety and well-being.
Motivation: Reflect on your reasons for considering or pursuing estrangement. Clarify your needs, concerns, and goals. Are you seeking distance temporarily to gain perspective or heal, or is it a permanent decision? Understanding your motivations can guide your actions and help you communicate your intentions more effectively.
Communication: While it may be challenging, strive for open and honest communication when possible. If you feel comfortable and safe, you may choose to express your feelings, concerns, and boundaries to the person with whom you are cutting ties. Clear and respectful communication can help set expectations and foster understanding for (potential) future reconnection. Methods of communication might involve email, phone calls, fact-to-face conversation - sometimes mediated - and letters. Texting is generally discouraged. If you choose to communicate before you completely cut ties, you can be sure you exhausted your communication toolkit by communicating your needs and expectations.
Support: Estrangement is often emotionally difficult. You don't need to go it alone. You should seek help from trusted friends, family members, or licensed professionals such as family therapists (make sure they are specifically trained in estrangement) or support groups. Sharing your experiences and feelings with others who have gone through similar circumstances can provide valuable insights and guidance.
Recognize complexities: Relationships are multi-dimensional, and estrangement is rarely black and white. Complete separation may have many pros and cons unique to each relationship. Acknowledge the complexities and nuances of your particular relationship and the potential for growth and change over time. People and circumstances can evolve, so remaining open to possibilities is essential.
Healing and self-reflection: Use your period of estrangement as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. Understand your role in the relationship dynamics and work on developing healthier patterns and coping mechanisms. Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-discovery.
Respect personal choices: Recognize that estrangement is a personal decision, and each individual has reasons and boundaries. Respect the choices made by both yourself and the person from whom you are estranged. Avoiding judgment or pressure is crucial, as it may further strain the relationship or complicate the healing process.
Reconciliation and forgiveness: While not all estrangements lead to complete reconciliation, it is possible for relationships to mend over time. Reconciliation can be in the form you find non-threatening and to your chosen degree. If both parties are willing and the necessary changes have been made, reconciliation can be considered. Forgiveness, both for yourself and the other person, can be a powerful tool in the personal growth and healing processes.

Frankly, it was surprising to find some neutral guidance and constructive recommendations. It is the common belief among estranged parents that there is overwhelming support (perhaps even pressure) for adult children to leave their parents. Keeping in mind that the themes as presented reflect a composite of advice, on balance, there is evidence to the contrary. Yes, there is much support to estrange the offending family member - never to return. And conversely, there is encouragement to stay connected regardless of the offending behavior.

One of the most common things estranged parents talk about is that they don't understand how their son or daughter could see them as threatening or, using today's vernacular, abusive. And I agree. Their questions and confusion reflect the degree of difference between what parents and adult children experience in a faltering relationship. How family members communicate their different values, beliefs, boundaries and expectations often results in a distancing or disconnect. This miscommunication and lack of respectful communication ultimately lead to some level of estrangement.

I believe these guidelines offer opportunities for parents and adult children experiencing estrangement. It's hard to imagine that the unraveling of a family provides opportunities. And yet, it is a rare person who tells me they want to cut ties. More typically, people say they ran out of options, that the pain and energy drain became too much to bear, and that their feelings of invisibility, sadness and hurt were disabling. People who cut ties say that the difficulties and disconnects between them and their estranged family members became an unmoveable barrier to a healthy, independent life. Research indicates that biological parents and children innately want to be connected.

Remember, the factors of an adult child's decision to leave are as unique as each relationship. Situations involving mental health concerns, abuse and addiction most often require professional assistance. Please seek professional guidance if any of these are a part of your faltering relationship.