Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. R. A. Warshak

Divorce Poison (2010) is a seminal book by Dr. Richard A. Warshak, a clinical psychologist and expert in the field of parent alienation, divorce and child custody. The content in these books is focused on communication and behavior that leads to the breakdown of a parent-child relationship. Specific to the dissolution of a family unit by divorce or separation. Parental alienation or poisoning is when one parent engages in actions and messaging that undermine the child's relationship with the opposing parent. Alienation can take place before, during and after a separation or divorce is final.

Dr. Warshak aims to help parents recognize, understand and manage the damaging effects of parental alienation on children. Even in mediated agreements, negative messaging and behavior happen, leading to the deterioration of an otherwise intact parent-child relationship. Dr. Warshak presents real examples and practical ways to defend against alienation for parents who find themselves going through a divorce or separation. This is particularly true for those who are determined to ensure their children are not harmed as the marriage or partnership dissolves.

Dr. Warshak explores the impact of parental alienation on children and guides parents as they work to protect their child(ren) from this harmful – and sometimes unintentional - behavior. He offers advice on recognizing the signs of parental alienation, strategies for dealing with an alienating opposing partner, and techniques for promoting healthy relationships between children and both parents.

In my opinion, Dr. Warshak also provides helpful tools and tips for people beyond the parents navigating the complexities of a fracturing family. I recommend anyone involved in or close to a dissolving parent relationship read this seminal publication. Alienation can be reinforced, often unintentionally, by other trusted adults - especially those to whom a child looks for reassurance and understanding (e.g., grandparents, older siblings and close adult friends).

Dr. Warshak begins by recognizing the socially accepted and generally promoted 'take the high road' approach in the face of an opposing parent's attempts to poison the other parent's relationship. But, taking the high road, when it means silence or ignoring ongoing and harmful messaging, can quickly damage or poison the opposing parent-child relationship.

Dr. Warshak suggests that taking the high road in a manner that protects children is different than remaining silent or ignoring negative messaging about an opposing parent's choices, messaging and non-verbal communication. In the case of parent alienation, the recommended and modified high road involves a fair, factual and intentional response. According to Dr. Warshank, it's more beneficial to provide an accurate and objective perspective for the child to understand what is happening - to give them factual information that helps them recognize and depersonalize manipulated, altered and poisoned messaging.

Providing a child with accurate factual information is a neutral, proactive and reparative strategy. For example, Dad unexpectedly does not attend a scheduled (anticipated) parenting time. The ineffective high road is Parent A telling a child that Parent B was probably too busy again and just didn't want to admit they had other (more exciting) plans. A more honest and neutral high road sounds more like this, "Dad chose to spend his time differently than planned. I know you were looking forward to spending time with him. We'll hope he/she chooses differently next time." Then, provide appropriate comfort and reassurance that Parent B's choices are not a reflection of the child's worth, nor are they because of something the child did or didn't do. Practice this in your circumstances and see if you note the difference.

An example of a more stealth event is when a parent gives a child a stuffed animal or treasured item (i.e., a transitional object) before spending time with the other parent. The opposing parent takes the toy immediately when they pick up the child, saying negative things about the opposing parent, the toy and/or the parent's choice of toys. The child is left confused and caught in the middle - pressured to feel bad about a new and exciting gift. This can quickly confuse the child about their feelings toward the gift and the gift-giving parent by association. Over time, when this pattern is repeated, and the child doesn't have an opposing perspective to interpret the negative messaging, it can lead to doubt and distrust between an unsuspecting parent and child.

Divorce Poison (2010) has received positive reviews from readers, including parents, mental health professionals, and legal experts. It has become a reference book for law schools and mental health programs. This book is often recommended as a resource for people going through divorce or separation, especially in the early stage of the fracturing family system, those learning how to navigate parenting an evolving separation. It can also be very helpful to those dealing with high-conflict situations where parental alienation behaviors are likely.

**It's important to note that each reader's experience and perspective may vary. I recommend reading multiple reviews, considering different viewpoints, and consulting with professionals to get guidance on your unique situation. I strongly suggest relying on resources published or posted by licensed professionals in reliable publications that include examples of people who have effectively navigated divorce or separation involving children.